Much like my Pisces sign, I’m swirling in uncertainty, going in two directions in just about every aspect of my life. My job is both excellent and terrible. My business is both successful and failing. My mental self is full of both confidence and self-doubt. My body is so completely unpredictable that I can’t even distil it into two states for the sake of artistic license.
It’s all related, too.
I have things I love and hate about my job, which I’ve been in for 17+ years. When a hate comes up, I think about quitting and making my business my main income. But then I think about the failures I’ve had, and the self-doubt makes an appearance, and then I think about what happens if this dumb body gives up the ghost completely. And then something I love about my job comes up and I think, you know what, it’s not worth the effort, I’ll just stay here. How do I know I could even make it work, anyway?
Circles and circles, back and forth, yin and yang. I’ve been wishy-washy my whole life, I think. I take forever to make decisions of any import. I’ve even been in pain for a long time – a minor knee injury in high school has never really recovered, and this body has been suffering and enduring and declining ever since, finally landing in that vague floating tank labelled Fibromyalgia. So I’m used to these things.
The doubt and anxiety, however, are new. And by “new” I mean in the past five years. If you had asked me anytime before I was 35, I’d have labelled myself a non-worrier. An optimist. Confident. Fearless.
Now? I get random anxiety that doesn’t even connect to anything. There’s nothing even wrong, and I can’t stop fidgeting and feeling like there is. It makes me feel itchy and unsettled. It seems like a physical anxiety more than a mental thing – but then again, where’d all this self-doubt come from? And the godawful fear? When did that even start? I’m afraid of quitting, of starting, of stagnation. This doesn’t feel like me!!
And I think: I am better than this. I deserve more than this. I can earn more than this.
But also: Who says I am? What if I don’t? How do I handle it if I can’t?
Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I’ve got to nail down what it is I actually want, what is actually achievable, and how to get there.
If only everything would stop swirling and let me take aim.
***
| listening | Idina Menzel |
| eating | Meal replacements because I forgot that I should make lunch for today. |
| watching | Nearing the end of Voyager |
| making | Actual jewelry!! |
| feeling | wishy-washy and sad |